A Vibrator Story (like A Christmas Story, only completely different)

Image by Cranky Media Guy via Flickr

Now that my mother and little sister have traveled home from their very short visit to Portland, Oregon, and I have had a chance to reflect on the events that transpired, I am ready to tell the Vibrator Story.

After I finish the rest of this beer. Hold please.

Ah, yes. Let's get on with it:

I swear my mom and sis were in my house less than 10 minutes before (what shall henceforth be known as) The Great Dildo Reveal. I was giving my pregnant sister and cane-wielding elderly mother a tour of my home, catching them up to what I'd improved on since they were here last. So, while my teenage son brought in the luggage, they tottered around the place. It had been a few years since they'd seen my home, certainly before either one of them began tottering.

We made it to my recently painted bedroom and were admiring my skillz when I noticed my doggy @littlegyrl (YES she has a Twitter profile. DO NOT JUDGE ME.) had made herself a nice little napping nest on my bed. She takes great car in doing this, breaking into my room and making herself at home between my sheets, arranging the pillows and comforter just so. She's prolly getting even with me for avoid eye contact with her at bedtime, as neither I nor my son will let her sleep with us because she sheds more than the cat. (Also, she snores but will never admit to it.)

Now here comes the Comedy of Errors part: First, I said something to my mom about the dog getting inside my bed and leaving her mess. Mom is standing on one side of the bed, and I am on the other. She says something about how the dog is an Angel Baby and the Best Dog Ever and she just misses me is all, and can't I understand that? My sister, who is at the end of the bed, watches the exchange wryly. My mom pulls back my comforter to shake out the dog fur, and at this exact moment the teenage boy appears in the doorway.

Suddenly my mom says "Oh" in such a way that makes everyone turn and look at her. She is looking at my bed. We then, collectively, all look at what she's looking at: my vibrator laying on my fur-covered bed sheet.

(Well, duh. Where else would it be? Seriously.)

I say "MOM!" and steal a quick look at my teenage son, hoping to see a look shock so I can make a smarty-pants comment about women having needs, but he's not even blinking hard. Darn. My sister says "Uh, you can put the blanket down now." She does, finally, after a few very long seconds. My son rolls his eyes and walks out, audibly sighing.

Sigh, indeed.

And there you are, The Great Dildo Reveal. I don't know what lesson I'm supposed to learn here, as I have no inclination to boot my battery operated bed mate from the left side of the bed. Why should I?

But I'll tell you this: it was funny as hell, and a fairly perfect way to start a weekend off with visiting relatives.

Let's go steady!

Prelude to a vibrator story (a shiny Twitter distraction)

My mom and sister are in town visiting this weekend. They arrived on the Greyhound bus from small-town living in Eastern Oregon, loaded down with my niece fetus, sleep apnea machinery and Ikea dreams.

Within an hour of lugging their luggage into my home, my mother inadvertent unveiled my vibrator to everyone in the house. Including my horrified teenage son.

Oh, yes.

I'll write more on my weekend with visiting family, soon. In the meantime, please enjoy this video that you all should have watched by now: Old Man Stewart Shakes His Fist At Twitter

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Twitter Frenzy
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

If you haven't already, don't forget to subscribe to this blog so when that dildo post goes up you'll be sure to see it. (Because apparently having my teenage son, my mom and my sister check out my sex toy isn't embarrassing enough.)

Let's go steady!