If it hurts, it's good for you

I wrote a story for my friend Melissa Lion. She and her partner are the masterminds behind Back Fence PDX, a Web site that focuses on the art of storytelling. Believe me when I say there are some damned fine stories there. Amazing, handcrafted tales. When she said I could write there, too, I was very happy. And then I freaked out.

Writing this piece was hard. It hurt. I stretched and fidgeted and hemmed and hawed and then, before I knew it, it was done. And it hurt less. I slept like girl unencumbered by troubles that night.

I have a lot of stories. I think it's time I let some of them out.

Read my story on Back Fence PDX

Is Spinning Toothpaste the Future?

I was shopping for food (I hate shopping for food) and I saw this 3-D kiosk at the Fred Meyer in my beloved St. Johns neighborhood. First I stared at it as it projected logos and products and produce at me. Then I pushed on the buttons on the panel and accepted a coupon for Fancy Cat and a contest entry form for free gas for a year. (I found it amusing that the entry form had to be mailed in. You know, as in snail mail.)

I'm so curious about this Holo™ 3D kiosk technology sitting in the lobby of my chain grocery. What brings such technology to my sleepy neck of the woods? What does it say about me and my neighbors? I also wonder why this kiosk isn't gathering any data (that I can see) besides clicks. It feels like a missed opportunity.

After I finally escaped to the safety of home (and $104 lighter) I sat down and chatted online with @lollyrae:

me: there's a cool three-d ad kiosk at the st john freddies
h: ads
no
me: Its freaking 3d spinning fruit!
Its awesome!
it spits out coupons
and contest apps that you have to MAIL in
perfect for the st johns blog, no?
h: yes
me: I got a picture of a spinning tube of toothpaste
h: i want to see some hair products flying out of their containers
and some instructional guides for the tampon-novice
me: Hm, perhaps I shall put that renumeration in the copy?
h: maybe so!!
I would be excited to stand there and feel bodily threatened by flying produce as well

She is *not* kidding. She'd turn it into performance art and invite all her Portland Cacophony Society friends. Look for a St. Johns neighborhood post soon. And by soon, I of course mean "eventually".

Let's go steady!

In my defense, I was a wee drunk

(Second Runner-Up Post Title: I went to Camp Naughty, and I all I got was this shirt, a hangover, and frozen undies.)

It's been a couple of days since I rolled up my sleeping bag and said my see-you-around's to the campers and counselors of Camp Naughty. Enough time has passed for me to speak publicly about what transpired.

I arrived (late, fashionably) and was greeted by Miss Burrows and Cami Kaos and immediately had to choose a tent. Before I could get in the gate. There was an *ackward* moment at that point, and I looked longingly into the entrance to Camp Naughty where I spotted two large tents set up; one ruled by the Treasurelicious girly and the other commandeered by Strange Love girly Cami Kaos. Oh, the tension! Okay, not really. But I did have to pick a tent, and so I choose Cami Kaos' cause she had less bodies in it. (Hm, interesting way to put that. File that away for later pondering.)

The weather and company was divine. I felt completely at ease and wrapped in a cocoon of acceptance and frank naughtiness. And, my gawd! The eats and libations! Joilene made cupcakes with candy penis sprinkles, which understandably put my pound cake to shame. (Don't worry, we put it out of its rejection misery for breakfast the next morning). Joilene made those cupcakes on a sprained ankle and came to camp like a trooper. (Can you blame her?) I had pizza and salad and bread with homemade spinach dip made by Cami Kaos herself for dinner. As I munched away at the deliciousness on my plate I heard the story of how Kelly Banana Lee Fishbones came to have a gorgeous green diamond ring inspired by Green Lantern's power ring, and that she makes one hell of a high school cheerleader.

I chatted with Giddy and discovered she and Cami Kaos were high school chums. Giddy is full of laughter, which makes ME laugh, and then before I knew it I had consumed three glasses of pinosas, Camp Naughty's Signature Drink. Bad Mom Stephanie showed me how to make them by getting juuuuust the right ratio of pineapple juice and champagne. So refreshing! Bad Mom is not bad but, in fact, an excellent, hawt mom and talented teacher of alternative high schoolers. However, this lesson in mixology was my undoing.

Before I knew it we campers were whisked away to the cool basement studio for some Strange Love Live time. Oh, and someone let Doc Normal in the room (KIDDING!) to push buttons and such. I was the first to sit in the hot seat and say sexually explicit things. Say ... did I mention I had yet another pinosa before I climbed over the mic stands? For those of you who caught the video streaming here are some answers for some frequently asked questions: YES, that blank stare meant I was trying to remember my name. NO, I didn't plan on talking about my ex (OMG! I talked about my ex?!) And, finally, YES, I did really ask Miss Burrows how many orgasms she's had "between naps" and asked Cami Kaos the number of sex partners she's had in the last 10 years. (2 and 5-7ish, respectively.) In my defense, I was a wee drunk. But they were good questions we were all dying to know! You're welcome.

After the show we crawled to our campground for some more naughty discussion and Smores for Whores. I was really looking forward to setting something on fire. To win a tea light, wooden skewer and marshmallow to make our smores, we had to correctly answer sex trivial questions. My marshmallow was a-blazin' in no time. After that I have cloudy memories of swinging, laughing, snuggling and crashing into a sugar coma. I slept ridiculously well. Truly.

Thanks to Miss Burrows and Cami Kaos, my camp counselors who were so generous and very*very*very nice to look at. Sign me up for Camp Naughty 2009!

Let's go steady!

Who the Hell is mediaChick?

I take the first handful of days off in July for my Annual Birfday Staycation. A staycation, as you may already know, is when you take time off work and stay in town. With plenty of cool things to do around my beloved Portland, staycationing is a no-brainer.

I work for a company with holiday pay and so I schedule the time off to include the 4th of July and my birthday. That way I get more benefit bang for my buck. And every year I do three things: 1) avoid making lists of things to do, or berate myself for "wasting" my time off, 2) think a lot about myself and what I want out of life, and 3) not think about what I could be doing instead that's more: productive, efficient, "right", etc. I do these things to concentrate on the answer to this question: Who the hell is mediaChick? This is my fourth year of thinking about that question.

The art of submerging oneself in unadulterated me-me-me thinking without guilt does not come naturally to me. I have no problem whatsoever spending hour after delicious hour pondering and percolating and philosophizing; it's the "without guilt" part I struggle with. We all have that critical little voice inside us that quietly second-guesses decisions and reinforces toxic self-doubt. That internal dialog isn't all bad, however. I learned long ago my (opinionated) little voice also has uncanny intuition and lofty goals for my future. And so, once a year on my Annual Birfday Staycation, I pay close attention to what it is saying. I dream about my future and continue to learn what it means to "follow my bliss."

Let's go steady!